Patricia A. MacAulay
CHILD DEVELOPMENT CONSULTANT
Relationship Skills
Children who, because they have reached a certain chronological age, are removed from opportunities to play, create, move, and build skills without having fulfilled their emotional and social needs from their earlier years, suffer from that experience and struggle with the demands that are placed up on them that do not match their true psycho-social state. It is hard to do Grade 6 math when you still need to dress up and pretend!
One of my little clients put it this way:
I STILL NEED TO PLAY!
Children feel these needs in their bodies. Basic functions and systems like appetite, digestion, sleep, temperature regulation, and immunity against illness are affected. Distress in any of these areas can further compound a child's chronic stress.
Research on adverse childhood experiences illustrates long-term after-effects and points towards societal and community change to address the adversity experienced by children and build on protective factors, including healthy relationship approaches.
The four key areas - play, expressive arts, movement, and life skills - can both support and communicate the child’s psycho-social growth through children’s bodies. If children have not had sufficient and supported opportunities to explore their feelings and build their identity, their development will be impeded, and they will struggle when faced with experiences that are a mis-match for their psycho-social state.
Children in these circumstances may challenge adults' sense of competency in relationships, but it is important to remember that you likely have already experienced success with many of the skills required in this scenario and, if not, you can learn through practice and experience.
Collaborating
Adults are used to being leaders. We are in charge of children's experiences. A top-down approach to emotional and social growth, however, is counter-productive. This is an area where children must be free to choose and direct their own experiences within the boundaries established by the adult. Therapists set up a safe, accepting environment with lots of options, invite children to choose their own experiences, work on being present and engaged with children, and take opportunities to build on and extend the child’s understanding. Other adults can take similar approaches to everyday experiences.
Attuning
Adult responses to children are all aspects of what psychologists call ‘’attunement,’’ the process of providing complete, non-judgmental, responsive attention to another person through eye contact and other forms of attention and response, with an emphasis on the non-verbal. In doing so, we help the child feel safe enough to attend to the conflicting feelings that arise from developmental needs and challenges. Attunement offered through regular, consistent, repeated interactions is like sunshine for the growing child.
Enjoying
Most importantly, we share joy with children, a life-affirming and healing experience for both parties.
Integrating
Adults can support children’s growth by creating safe conditions for the child’s explorations and experiences and engaging with the child, talking with them, building comfort for them, validating their efforts, and adding to the experience. We can act as a mirror to the child, reflecting back what is being experienced and learned, shaping and bolstering the child’s identity by helping to integrate emotional and social learning into daily life.
Reflecting
The relationship with a child is not one-sided. The growth of every human being continues for our entire lifespan. When we attune with children, we revisit old questions and conflicts ourselves, integrate these, and deepen our own sense of safety, confidence, and purpose as mature adults.
Adapting
Shared experiences look different from child to child and relationship to relationship. These are dynamic and constantly evolving interactions that invite creativity from both parties. Growth processes unfold within a specific context. The psycho-social development described here reflects the priorities of a post-modern, capitalist, western world. There can be a lot of variation and deviation from the details presented. You are invited to use this framework as a springboard for your own thinking about how you can nurture children’s emotional growth and build their resilience.
Trauma research pioneer Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk reminds us of our priorities when we share experiences with children:
''The three goals of the relationship are to help the child attain, IN THIS ORDER, 1) a sense of safety, 2) a sense of pleasure, and 3) a sense of mastery.''
